soon, soon, I feel it in my waters...

I was happy once again to veg out this weekend, and not do much, having managed to get through a number of errands that needed to be done. The list looks like, pick up the shirts from the drycleaners, check to make sure the ATO has the right details for the "stimulus" money, get contracts for second job and other associated tasks done [including staff card and library access],

Feeling somewhat anxious about upcoming things.

In my mind the count down for, fingers crossed, what is hopefully the finale that messy little incidenct at the beginning of the year has the music speeding up and getting more intense, and the lights flashing even more quickly. Yes it looks like the bureaucratic wheels are finally turning and will spit out the result. And it looks like it will happen soon.

I'm feeling a little bit angsty, and anxious just wanting the whole thing to be over, and being able to feel freer and move onto the next part of my life without this hanging over my head.

The anxiousness and angst felt melted somewhat for what was to be another weekend of a great surprise. I do quite like surprises, especially ones that bring a smile to my face.

I'm still smiling now - despite being very behind in preparing for work tomorrow.

Oh well...

weekend surprise

I didn't have much hopes for the weekend, just a quiet little affair, not doing much.

Oh how wrong I was!

I had one of the most pleasant surprises, which made my weekend.

I also caught up with a close friend on Sunday. We did the wine thing at Hyde Park, which was fantastic.

the week.

It's been a little while between posts...

But wow what an interesting week:

• Obama names the date for US withdrawal of Iraq
• QLD state election hots up (who doesn't love an election website from Antony Green check it out here: http://www.abc.net.au/elections/qld/2009/ )
• Marcus Enfield brou ha ha
• watching some of the NSW Upper House inquiries (work related of course)

tis the season for football (I refer here to the world game)

football season is about to begin.

Yay! I think as I put together my kit for todays friendly with another team in another comp. football boots - check; shin pads - check; socks - check; lots of water - check; cold packs - check; etc. Kind of excited that rather than training training we're playing a game.

Cut to 80 minutes later ->

Oh boy... I think as I lay on the grass at the end of the game gasping for air and sweating heavily not really loving the humid weather. Fitness and ball skills can only up from here.

Crap, I have some sunburn.

the friends of relationships past...

when a relationship ends (no matter how long ago) the issue of catching up with friends, especially those that have shared in the past history of that relationship, can be a little tricky.

so it was with a little trepidation that I caught up with a couple of friends that were part of the shared history of a past relationship that ended a long time ago. (on a side note, the person with whom I was in an intimate relationship and I are still friends)

I shouldn't have worried at all. this was exactly what I needed to lift the spirits, and share in some general catching up chatter, and talking about some of those more painful life events.

it was almost like the time gap between the last time I saw these wonderful women and today did not exist. there was of course the mandatory fill in the last couple of years (yes it had been years), but being able to let go of some of the icky things that have happened and also share in the icky things that had happened in their lives, and of course revel in the good and gossipy!, was emotionally liberating.

it takes a lot to share the good and bad life events, especially in the trust department. today it was a wonderful feeling to have that trust reciprocated and appreciated.

report writing - hard work and results...

it's been a long week and a half of week at work.

researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading researching reading...

writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing

redraft the whole entire thing. let's just say I wasn't all that happy about having to do it, especially with literally one day and a half before deadline.

edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit

fifty kajillion emails later... report done and sent out.

what was kinda excellent about this is that the reason for writing for the report has already started to have ripple effects. there's already a couple of meetings lined up about what was written.

also, I've been asked to do some tutoring work - it couldn't have come at a better time!

throat full of sore

it's not often where I work that all the staff across NSW gets together - and when we do there's lots of fun...

last night was one of those nights where we all got together. Started off in the pub and then walked collectively to the restaurant. Had a staff dinner with the big bosses, pleasant conversation, food was alright, wine flowing.

The highlight of the night has to be the karaoke. Usually I'm not a big fan of karaoke, having been introduced to this strange past time in a pub and with Bon jovi - so not pretty...
Anyway, there we all were in this booth, remote control in hand singing everything from "Bridge over troubled waters" to "Total eclipse of the heart".

The term singing should be used rather lightly, because this morning I discovered we most certainly didn't sing, we yelled all the lyrics. My throat is so full of sore, that I even a voice that Shirley Bassey would be proud of!

a random event...

there was a bit of commotion this evening that I could hear from the loungeroom. a gentleman's voice ringing out in song. I wasn't sure if it was from the nearby park or one of the restaurants.

going out to investigate, it turned out to be one of the restaurants. Some of the staff from the restaurant were hanging out the back, taking a break before the kitchen officially shut up shop. The inquisitive side of me had to ask what was going on.

With a smile one of the staff said "haven't you heard, today's valentine's day. if you like go in, get a drink." A short pause. "Hey where's your valentine, you should have one." I smiled, and said "no, not tonight" poking my head through the door. A male someone who must have been a friend of the staff then said, "come one, I'll be your valentine." Let's just say he was a bit of all right, but I kindly declined.

for some weird reason, having a perfect stranger offer to be my valentine for 5 minutes lifted my spirits. even almost brought my mojo back.

whatever his name is, thank you!

trying to move on

here's to the Senate passing the stimulus package!!!!!!!1!!! Sure $900 is $50 less than $950 but I can still do with $900. For once I feel rewarded for doing my tax on time. Like others, in my mind the moneys already been spent (dvd, microwave for example).

I'm going to be a little bit self indulgent, for just a moment.
Slowly I'm getting myself back on track. The situation, despite wanting it to be over sooner rather than lately, is looking for resolution mid March (which I realise is still the timeframe initially indicated). I'm still feeling very sad, and heart sore.

In some ways the busyness of work has been able, in part, to take my mind off what's going on. I've even been offered some other work that, fingers crossed, will pan out. I'm keeping myself busy and find that doesn't help as much as what I thought it would. Trying to move is more difficult that I thought.

The cat thing didn't work out - there were other reasons for taking the cat back (it wasn't eating, was sad at moving house etc). Going through that process, I realised I was looking for a cat that was going to be exactly like the one before (temperament, personality, etc), however looks didn't matter. So until I've got myself moved on I'm not going to be adopting a cat anytime too soon.

I'm not seeing anyone, and I don't see that changing anytime too soon either. I thought I had met the person I was going to settle down with for the rest of my life - alas not to be. Finally I have realised that there is not likely to be any reconciliation, which makes me even more sad.

I think to last Valentine's Day - it was magical. This one feels like the Nothing from the "Never Ending Story" has become enscounced in my life story (where's the white horse when you need it!).

Whilst I don't want to sound like all those single people out there downing on Valentine's Day - I hope those that have a special loved one, have a magical and special day (if you celebrate). Even more so, make every day magical and special.

w00t!

$900... the stimulus package passed the Senate!

the politics and economics of "economic downturns"

one thing that is certain about capitalism, is that there are cycles - one where things are great and one where things aren't so great...

it surprises me that the people that should know this (ie the econocrati) seem to be like the rabbit caught in the headlights - OMG why didn't we see this coming...

one article I read had a look at which of the econocrati (those from Australia) were able to better predict likely movements in the global and local economy. let's just say the results were not impressive... those who were more critical of orthodox economics seemed to fare better...

so the politics of this... analysts want to talk about interest rate movements, recession, unemployment rates, debt ratios, forgetting that there are people affected by what happens in that amorphous "global economy" and the "credit crunch"... whilst $950 may not seem like much to spend, but it is one way for people to spend/pay debts (and free up money for investment)... the contraction in the building/construction industry the schools funding is likely to decrease possible lay offs and possibly create jobs and not just in one geographical area...

I'm not a big fan of Keynesianism, but clearly the rational expectationists/general equilibrium theorists haven't got it right either... hell I'm not a big fan of capitalism either... but given the situation and not knowing how long the bumpy ride is likely to go on for, I'd like $950 to possibly buy something to cushion the impact...

this is really long hand for - pass the bloody stimulus package in the Senate!

Ps, I'm meeting a possible adoptee tomorrow, a male cat this time... I'm excited!

and now for something different - stimulus package and the politics of being without a microwave and dvd

I realise that a lot of this blog is about the emotional stuff that I seem to go through... I find it very strange to see a lot of what I have felt on the interwebs... especially when this is not me in real life...

there's been a couple of non-emotional things that have been floating around in my head the last couple of days, and they largely centre around the issue of the macroeconomy internationally and nationally (I hate the term "global credit crunch")...

there's been a lot of discussion around the $42 billion dollar stimulus plan that has been announced by the Rudd Labor Government... especially from the econocrati about if it will be effective...

in discussing this further, I first need to make one note about what I think of the econocrati more generally and it is embodied by the saying/joke - "if you brought the world's economists together to find a solution they agreed on, the room would split into 1.5 times the number of economists"...

the short answer is, no-one really knows how effective any economic policy will be - there are simply too many variables, and the data used to make future predictions are based on the past at a particular time, location and specific set of circumstances.

Given the the current global (for the most part) and Australia's national economy, is reliant on consumerism to enable growth, it would seem a one off payment and increasing government spending on public infrastructure is one way to boost people's capacity to consume (through giving the people cash and/or a job).

So for the time being, I wouldn't mind receiving $950... it is definately needed, because I would like to buy a microwave and a dvd player given that I no longer have either.

a turning point...

it seems that when you least expect it, the world somehow through serendipity, things start to pick up...
started back at work... we're heading into a very busy phase at the moment, so it was like jumping in feet first with a lot of backload and new projects to get across very quickly... there were some moments where the emotion of the start of year started to wave over me, so I took a coffee break had a couple of deep breaths, and was able to keep powering on. It helps that I work in a great workplace.
I have also started to see friends with more regularlity... I was a little neglectful before... in the space of a week, I have had dinner and lunch with quite a few people.
I'm still feeling sad but it is time to start moving on. The date in March where the cogs of the bureaucratic/judicial processes will hopefully give their decision is the time when I will be clear of everything, including feeling sad.
And I'm thinking of adopting a pet... I've seen some really beautiful ones on the RSPCA website... I miss having the companionship of the previous cat - especially the way she would talk to me, wake me up in the morning, and just lay and cuddle with me...

partially zen...

so things aren't as sorted as what I would like, it seems that this will take til mid March to finally find out exactly what is likely to happen.

In terms of the emotional rollercoaster, I think I have found some sort of balance/serenity. I'm still sad and heartsore over what has happened. And I'm glad to be able to say that I think I handled myself with grace.

Going back to work has helped, especially given that it is rather busy.

getting things sorted...

the rollercoaster ride I'm currently on will hopefully finish in the next week. however the emotional part of it is likely to continue for a little time...

quiet time...

It's been a couple of days since the last post... to be honest things haven't been the best...

I'm still riding the emotional rollercoaster, still having cries and getting things done in between...

The weather hasn't been very good at letting me go through the emotional angst, it's too hot to stay in bed with the covers on, too hot for the comfort food I like, too hot to do just about anything... so at the moment I'm a sweaty teary mess... and not in the good kind of way either!

I have found however meditation a useful thing to do, especially to start the day... some quiet time before the turbulence of the day begins. and also cable ties - they helped to fix the window so that the cool breeze can flow through the house... *half smile*

a half smile

things haven't exactly been the best for me, in fact I would say down right shitty and crappy... I feel like I've been lost in an emotional mire with no escape, going around in endless circles, waiting waiting waiting...

so what a gift it was to receive a massage... thank you to the special person that arranged it... the emotional existential hurdy gurdy is still swirling in the dark mists of my head, but at least the structural supports for what exists in my mind are feeling a lot better... and a half smile is now seen...

Panic Attack - OMG

For the first time in my life, I had a panic attack... it was the third most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced (the other two things are for discussion at a later date possibly)...

feeling claustrophobic, body feeling like jelly, the emptiness and tightness in the middle of my chest, the cry, the sweats, and general all over ickiness... what was worse, is that I was catching up with a friend at an indoor venue, and had to make the sudden call to leave...

the whole thing is not snarly or smiley, but just plain aweful... eventually my awesome levels will reach the positives, tick tock...

The numbness

Feeling empty... not snarly, not smiley, not even blah... just empty for the moment. the random crying and the tears have seemed to stop which I guess is a good thing... but it would be nice for the emptiness to go away... only time will do that... tick tock...

I am feeling sad

very sad, and numb and empty... The emotional equivalent of being hit by a bus...

the shit death? - an excursis of carthasis on the finishing of a relationship...

The French it seems like to call an orgasm (in their fancy language) "the little death"... I would like to find out what they call the end of a relationship - possibly "le merde morte"?

I'm currently going between crying uncontrollably, and getting things done... And the thing that is the root of frustration and snarliness is that I don't know what is going on...

It really is the end it seems. As much as I wish it wasn't. Reality can really be a bitch, maybe even "the shit death"... so get as many orgasms as you can!

no smile, no snarl - just anxiousness

I'm feeling a little anxious... the big brou ha ha from Sunday/Morning has some part of the bureaucratic process to go tomorrow.

I'm worried that:

• those in the suits/formal clothes won't listen to me or even consider what I would like as a solution, even though this matter ultimately affects me
• I won't get an opportunity to speak if things start to go pear shaped during the formal parts
• it turns adversarial and nasty
• it has to go through further bureaucratic processes to get solved

My lil belly is turning flip flops over and over... I can't believe this ever happened.

Not smiley, not snarly... just anxious...

Empty... like the universe...

I'm feeling empty, emotionally drained, and my muscles are all clenched. I have had one of the most horrendous and saddest nights of my life. I never thought I would be the victim of a crime involving an unbelievably intoxicated person. Especially a person I care about.

So my snarl is directed at what appeared to the cause (though I'm sure there maybe underlying issues that are to do with this person)

• drinking alcohol to extreme
• resulting intimdating and aggressive behaviour from this
• the people who sold this person the alcohol, whilst in an intoxicated state, in the first place

crankiness in the morning...

ever woken up in the morning and you feel great... nice slow start to the day... then for some strange reason something has snapped (though you don't feel the snap, hear the snap, or see the snap moment), and you have a great big black cloud over your head, and it seems that the world trully is out there to make sure that your life is hell...

it doesn't seem to matter what it is that goes on, you interpret it as the world making your life hell.

in trying to snap out of teh funk, you try what usually works, yet you get shot down... and are unable to remove the big black cloud...

Going back to work...

There's only a weekend away before I have to front up to work (that is if I would like teh cash used for eking out the sydney spartan lifestyle to which I've grown accustomed)...

Right now I so just want to be on holidays forever... watching dvd's all day, spending time with friends and the bf, no need to subscribe to the bourgy wake up/bedtime thing to get a full 8 hours sleep in time for work, spending time with the cat... and most of all reading!

So is there any job that will pay me to do those things? I should put in a proviso - I'm not prepared to be on "reality" tv shows of any kind or receive payment for the performance of sex acts and related industry... (I do understand that people do these things voluntarily, however they are not for me. And I find "reality tv" shows disturbing, and don't watch them.)

How else will I be able to follow the cat around for a couple of hours just to discover what it's like to be a cat (the catching things thing is a little bit morally and ethically difficult for me if I were a cat, and icky - I HATE mice & rats and can't stand to be around them etc, but I quite like lizards, spiders, reptiles and couldn't stand to catch &/or kill any of them)...

How else can I spend hours reading for pleasure?

Anyway, in a miniscule way I am kinda looking forward to going back to work. I work with a lot of great people, and the day goes by fairly quickly!

the new year - bring it on!

I'm back from the family shindig... and I was incredibly surprised! there was no snarly moments between members of my family... WOW! It seemed to go quite well, and there was only one awkward moment when mum said something she shouldn't have... but as I said no snarly moments...

I spent some time with various members of the family, and it was a lot of fun... though I also understand why it is I live further away from the family - it's good to have space.