getting things sorted...

the rollercoaster ride I'm currently on will hopefully finish in the next week. however the emotional part of it is likely to continue for a little time...

quiet time...

It's been a couple of days since the last post... to be honest things haven't been the best...

I'm still riding the emotional rollercoaster, still having cries and getting things done in between...

The weather hasn't been very good at letting me go through the emotional angst, it's too hot to stay in bed with the covers on, too hot for the comfort food I like, too hot to do just about anything... so at the moment I'm a sweaty teary mess... and not in the good kind of way either!

I have found however meditation a useful thing to do, especially to start the day... some quiet time before the turbulence of the day begins. and also cable ties - they helped to fix the window so that the cool breeze can flow through the house... *half smile*

a half smile

things haven't exactly been the best for me, in fact I would say down right shitty and crappy... I feel like I've been lost in an emotional mire with no escape, going around in endless circles, waiting waiting waiting...

so what a gift it was to receive a massage... thank you to the special person that arranged it... the emotional existential hurdy gurdy is still swirling in the dark mists of my head, but at least the structural supports for what exists in my mind are feeling a lot better... and a half smile is now seen...

Panic Attack - OMG

For the first time in my life, I had a panic attack... it was the third most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced (the other two things are for discussion at a later date possibly)...

feeling claustrophobic, body feeling like jelly, the emptiness and tightness in the middle of my chest, the cry, the sweats, and general all over ickiness... what was worse, is that I was catching up with a friend at an indoor venue, and had to make the sudden call to leave...

the whole thing is not snarly or smiley, but just plain aweful... eventually my awesome levels will reach the positives, tick tock...

The numbness

Feeling empty... not snarly, not smiley, not even blah... just empty for the moment. the random crying and the tears have seemed to stop which I guess is a good thing... but it would be nice for the emptiness to go away... only time will do that... tick tock...

I am feeling sad

very sad, and numb and empty... The emotional equivalent of being hit by a bus...

the shit death? - an excursis of carthasis on the finishing of a relationship...

The French it seems like to call an orgasm (in their fancy language) "the little death"... I would like to find out what they call the end of a relationship - possibly "le merde morte"?

I'm currently going between crying uncontrollably, and getting things done... And the thing that is the root of frustration and snarliness is that I don't know what is going on...

It really is the end it seems. As much as I wish it wasn't. Reality can really be a bitch, maybe even "the shit death"... so get as many orgasms as you can!

no smile, no snarl - just anxiousness

I'm feeling a little anxious... the big brou ha ha from Sunday/Morning has some part of the bureaucratic process to go tomorrow.

I'm worried that:

• those in the suits/formal clothes won't listen to me or even consider what I would like as a solution, even though this matter ultimately affects me
• I won't get an opportunity to speak if things start to go pear shaped during the formal parts
• it turns adversarial and nasty
• it has to go through further bureaucratic processes to get solved

My lil belly is turning flip flops over and over... I can't believe this ever happened.

Not smiley, not snarly... just anxious...

Empty... like the universe...

I'm feeling empty, emotionally drained, and my muscles are all clenched. I have had one of the most horrendous and saddest nights of my life. I never thought I would be the victim of a crime involving an unbelievably intoxicated person. Especially a person I care about.

So my snarl is directed at what appeared to the cause (though I'm sure there maybe underlying issues that are to do with this person)

• drinking alcohol to extreme
• resulting intimdating and aggressive behaviour from this
• the people who sold this person the alcohol, whilst in an intoxicated state, in the first place

crankiness in the morning...

ever woken up in the morning and you feel great... nice slow start to the day... then for some strange reason something has snapped (though you don't feel the snap, hear the snap, or see the snap moment), and you have a great big black cloud over your head, and it seems that the world trully is out there to make sure that your life is hell...

it doesn't seem to matter what it is that goes on, you interpret it as the world making your life hell.

in trying to snap out of teh funk, you try what usually works, yet you get shot down... and are unable to remove the big black cloud...

Going back to work...

There's only a weekend away before I have to front up to work (that is if I would like teh cash used for eking out the sydney spartan lifestyle to which I've grown accustomed)...

Right now I so just want to be on holidays forever... watching dvd's all day, spending time with friends and the bf, no need to subscribe to the bourgy wake up/bedtime thing to get a full 8 hours sleep in time for work, spending time with the cat... and most of all reading!

So is there any job that will pay me to do those things? I should put in a proviso - I'm not prepared to be on "reality" tv shows of any kind or receive payment for the performance of sex acts and related industry... (I do understand that people do these things voluntarily, however they are not for me. And I find "reality tv" shows disturbing, and don't watch them.)

How else will I be able to follow the cat around for a couple of hours just to discover what it's like to be a cat (the catching things thing is a little bit morally and ethically difficult for me if I were a cat, and icky - I HATE mice & rats and can't stand to be around them etc, but I quite like lizards, spiders, reptiles and couldn't stand to catch &/or kill any of them)...

How else can I spend hours reading for pleasure?

Anyway, in a miniscule way I am kinda looking forward to going back to work. I work with a lot of great people, and the day goes by fairly quickly!

the new year - bring it on!

I'm back from the family shindig... and I was incredibly surprised! there was no snarly moments between members of my family... WOW! It seemed to go quite well, and there was only one awkward moment when mum said something she shouldn't have... but as I said no snarly moments...

I spent some time with various members of the family, and it was a lot of fun... though I also understand why it is I live further away from the family - it's good to have space.