a turning point...

it seems that when you least expect it, the world somehow through serendipity, things start to pick up...
started back at work... we're heading into a very busy phase at the moment, so it was like jumping in feet first with a lot of backload and new projects to get across very quickly... there were some moments where the emotion of the start of year started to wave over me, so I took a coffee break had a couple of deep breaths, and was able to keep powering on. It helps that I work in a great workplace.
I have also started to see friends with more regularlity... I was a little neglectful before... in the space of a week, I have had dinner and lunch with quite a few people.
I'm still feeling sad but it is time to start moving on. The date in March where the cogs of the bureaucratic/judicial processes will hopefully give their decision is the time when I will be clear of everything, including feeling sad.
And I'm thinking of adopting a pet... I've seen some really beautiful ones on the RSPCA website... I miss having the companionship of the previous cat - especially the way she would talk to me, wake me up in the morning, and just lay and cuddle with me...

partially zen...

so things aren't as sorted as what I would like, it seems that this will take til mid March to finally find out exactly what is likely to happen.

In terms of the emotional rollercoaster, I think I have found some sort of balance/serenity. I'm still sad and heartsore over what has happened. And I'm glad to be able to say that I think I handled myself with grace.

Going back to work has helped, especially given that it is rather busy.

getting things sorted...

the rollercoaster ride I'm currently on will hopefully finish in the next week. however the emotional part of it is likely to continue for a little time...

quiet time...

It's been a couple of days since the last post... to be honest things haven't been the best...

I'm still riding the emotional rollercoaster, still having cries and getting things done in between...

The weather hasn't been very good at letting me go through the emotional angst, it's too hot to stay in bed with the covers on, too hot for the comfort food I like, too hot to do just about anything... so at the moment I'm a sweaty teary mess... and not in the good kind of way either!

I have found however meditation a useful thing to do, especially to start the day... some quiet time before the turbulence of the day begins. and also cable ties - they helped to fix the window so that the cool breeze can flow through the house... *half smile*

a half smile

things haven't exactly been the best for me, in fact I would say down right shitty and crappy... I feel like I've been lost in an emotional mire with no escape, going around in endless circles, waiting waiting waiting...

so what a gift it was to receive a massage... thank you to the special person that arranged it... the emotional existential hurdy gurdy is still swirling in the dark mists of my head, but at least the structural supports for what exists in my mind are feeling a lot better... and a half smile is now seen...

Panic Attack - OMG

For the first time in my life, I had a panic attack... it was the third most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced (the other two things are for discussion at a later date possibly)...

feeling claustrophobic, body feeling like jelly, the emptiness and tightness in the middle of my chest, the cry, the sweats, and general all over ickiness... what was worse, is that I was catching up with a friend at an indoor venue, and had to make the sudden call to leave...

the whole thing is not snarly or smiley, but just plain aweful... eventually my awesome levels will reach the positives, tick tock...

The numbness

Feeling empty... not snarly, not smiley, not even blah... just empty for the moment. the random crying and the tears have seemed to stop which I guess is a good thing... but it would be nice for the emptiness to go away... only time will do that... tick tock...