soon, soon, I feel it in my waters...

I was happy once again to veg out this weekend, and not do much, having managed to get through a number of errands that needed to be done. The list looks like, pick up the shirts from the drycleaners, check to make sure the ATO has the right details for the "stimulus" money, get contracts for second job and other associated tasks done [including staff card and library access],

Feeling somewhat anxious about upcoming things.

In my mind the count down for, fingers crossed, what is hopefully the finale that messy little incidenct at the beginning of the year has the music speeding up and getting more intense, and the lights flashing even more quickly. Yes it looks like the bureaucratic wheels are finally turning and will spit out the result. And it looks like it will happen soon.

I'm feeling a little bit angsty, and anxious just wanting the whole thing to be over, and being able to feel freer and move onto the next part of my life without this hanging over my head.

The anxiousness and angst felt melted somewhat for what was to be another weekend of a great surprise. I do quite like surprises, especially ones that bring a smile to my face.

I'm still smiling now - despite being very behind in preparing for work tomorrow.

Oh well...

a turning point...

it seems that when you least expect it, the world somehow through serendipity, things start to pick up...
started back at work... we're heading into a very busy phase at the moment, so it was like jumping in feet first with a lot of backload and new projects to get across very quickly... there were some moments where the emotion of the start of year started to wave over me, so I took a coffee break had a couple of deep breaths, and was able to keep powering on. It helps that I work in a great workplace.
I have also started to see friends with more regularlity... I was a little neglectful before... in the space of a week, I have had dinner and lunch with quite a few people.
I'm still feeling sad but it is time to start moving on. The date in March where the cogs of the bureaucratic/judicial processes will hopefully give their decision is the time when I will be clear of everything, including feeling sad.
And I'm thinking of adopting a pet... I've seen some really beautiful ones on the RSPCA website... I miss having the companionship of the previous cat - especially the way she would talk to me, wake me up in the morning, and just lay and cuddle with me...

the shit death? - an excursis of carthasis on the finishing of a relationship...

The French it seems like to call an orgasm (in their fancy language) "the little death"... I would like to find out what they call the end of a relationship - possibly "le merde morte"?

I'm currently going between crying uncontrollably, and getting things done... And the thing that is the root of frustration and snarliness is that I don't know what is going on...

It really is the end it seems. As much as I wish it wasn't. Reality can really be a bitch, maybe even "the shit death"... so get as many orgasms as you can!

no smile, no snarl - just anxiousness

I'm feeling a little anxious... the big brou ha ha from Sunday/Morning has some part of the bureaucratic process to go tomorrow.

I'm worried that:

• those in the suits/formal clothes won't listen to me or even consider what I would like as a solution, even though this matter ultimately affects me
• I won't get an opportunity to speak if things start to go pear shaped during the formal parts
• it turns adversarial and nasty
• it has to go through further bureaucratic processes to get solved

My lil belly is turning flip flops over and over... I can't believe this ever happened.

Not smiley, not snarly... just anxious...

2008

Despite the rather blahness that seemed (to me at least) permeate through the last post, being up this late and with the quietness that pervades I tend to reflect.

2008, as I said earlier, for me at least, was the year of the hospital.

However 2008 was also an epic year in other arenas -

on the side that makes me smile:

• the Federal Government finally said sorry to the Stolen Generation (thanks Kevin07);
• those speculators in the financial markets finally found out that betting against prices (interest rates/currencies/weather/etc take your pick)/packaging debt obligations to be onsold etc anything that didn't have a viable asset attached to it is EMPTY! and ta da they created "negative wealth";
• the United States elected its first Black President;
• Morris Iemma finally went ta tas;
• the federal Liberal Party is in disarray and the state branches don't appear to be much better;
• ACDC releasing an album and someone linking this and previous ACDC releases with the declining stock market in the UK...

On the side that makes me snarl:

• the disquiet still going on in East Timor;
• Zimbabwe (where one of my parents were born);
• what is going on in the Gaza Strip;
• Federal Labor Govt and its climate change targets/industrial relations legislation/internet policy;
• poor town planning in Sydney that makes it difficult to cycle without fearing for your life;
• NSW Labor Government for oh so many reasons...

I'm sure there's more but I'm in a semi smiley mood... reflecting seems to have that calming effect.

On reflecting about the coming year, I'm not sure if I will make NY resolutions... I usually don't because the one year that I set resolutions, 2 weeks before the following NY I realised I hadn't done anything I said that I was going to do...

Smile, Blah and Snarl?

At the moment I'm feeling blah - neither smiley or snarly... just blah... I think I might have caught it from someone at work!

Blah moments today included:

• trying to make my way around a CBD department store without being accosted by perfume wielding workers, and being trampled by others
• realising just how long the to-do list has got at work
• wanting and still waiting for a number of decisions to come through - blah bureaucracy
• nearly finishing the crossword
• receiving a "don't panic" letter from my super fund

Though on a less blah note - I reread the letter one of my siblings sent me... that helped to make me feel less blah...

Quick List

Smile:

• being thanked for doing my job by a colleague (nice to be recognised...)
• having mid week wind down drinks at home with friends for a days debrief (I'm liking daylight savings more and more)
• winding down for the end of year close down (close to 3 weeks off - yee hah!)

Snarl:

• silly discussions that lead to people being cranky with each other!
• contemplating going home for a family meet and greet, and realising it is my family that will be the weird one (we'll need someone to be the ringmaster to at least divert attention)
• things to do list at work getting longer and longer and longer
• not knowing bureaucratic decisions I need for closure on certain things

tying up loose ends...

Whilst I'd initially envisaged that this would work more in a list like fashion, where I jot down quickly the smiley and/or snarly things that happened in my day, writing in whole sentences also seems to be a lil cathartic.

I'm in the middle of tying up the loose ends of this year. In hindsight, I really have had a year I could be snarly about - 2 major surgeries (one of which was very unexpected, and neither was really wanted), ongoing problems with a medical issue, not being able to concentrate well on uni, issues with the bf (at times), and some other things I don't feel obliged to comment on... but at the moment I'm feeling rather calm about it all, and instead of harbouring the hurt and anger and all those snarly feelings, I'm sorting out the things that need to be sorted.

So if there was a list I think there would be one things on it:

Snarl:

• bureaucracy involved in getting things sorted!

That is all...